Onderweg
by Leven
Summary: She left him a long time ago. The only thing he needs from her now is closure. Reela Fic, as always. COMPLETE.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Onderweg (1 of 4)  
**Author:** Leven  
**Rating:** FRT, some swearing but not much else, maybe more in later chapters  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Ray, Neela or ER in general. They belong to NBC and all the other people who have something thing to do with this show. The song 'Onderweg' belongs to Abel.  
**Spoilers:** N/A  
**Summary:** She left him a long time ago. The only thing he needs from her now it closure.

A/N: The song is Dutch and it makes a lot more sense than the English translation, so bear with me here...

* * *

**Chapter 1**

_ik doe de deur dicht **(I close the door)**  
_

I left Chicago three years ago I could not stay there a day longer. I was heartbroken, I was destroyed. So I fled, though usually I fled to my music, this time I fled much, much further. I fled to London. A buddy of mine moved there a year before I had. For nearly two months I sat on his couch in a vegetive state. Looking back at it I have to admit that it was pathetic. But at the time it seemed the only thing for me to do.  
She had left me a note. A fucking note. It said she was sorry, but she was not going to let her heart be broken. Instead she chose to break mine. I never deemed her the type to break hearts. She was honest, yes. At times she was even mean. But to leave a man she once claimed to love? No. I never saw it coming.  
I got my act together eventually. In the back of my mind her voice was always nagging me, always telling me I could be great some day. And I still loved her too much to prove her wrong. So I started working at a hospital not far from where I lived, and I was great. I knew she would be proud of me.  
It seems even more pathetic now. That I did all those things for her. That I pulled through in the end…for the woman who had left me. I realize of course, that I did it for myself too, that I knew I couldn't live off my friends forever. But mostly I did it for her.  
After three years I have had enough. Enough of comparing every girl to her, enough of waiting for to show up at my door step. So I go to see her, and maybe I'll get some closure along the way.

_straten lijken te huilen **(streets seem to be crying)**  
wolken lijken te vluchten **(clouds seem to be fleeing)**_

All in all it hasn't really changed here. I walk through the streets I'd walked through so many times before. I try to see memories of times I spent with my friends, yet all I seem to see is her. I see her walking, I see her laughing, I see her nearly breaking her neck as she slips on the icy sidewalk, I see her crying. For some reason most of my memories of her include crying. She cried after Pratt yelled at her, she cried when she got the news Michael Gallant died, she was crying before the first time we made love. While I hated it when she cried, I always loved the way she looked when she did so. So open…so vulnerable. She always fought so hard to keep her walls up, but when she cried…she was so much more than what you saw every day.  
I pass the Chinese restaurant where we had our first date. She picked it out, I had never thought of bringing a girl there, but she thought it would be nice because we always ordered from there anyway. She was practical that way. She did things like that every so often, things that would surprise me and knock me off my balance. Once, on our first –and only– anniversary, she cooked an amazing dinner and served herself for desert. I can say I was shocked, but that would be an understatement, because I would have never thought my girl would ever cover herself in chocolate fudge and whipped cream to please her man on their anniversary. And to think I only got her jewellery.  
Oh, she did the most amazing things for me. So many things I never imagined a girl like her to do. But then again, I never expected her to run away from me either.

_ik stap de bus in **(I get on the bus)**  
_

I was never a man of public transportation. But today I have no choice. I remember that once we were forced to take a bus to work. The EL was closed for some reason I can't remember and we were lucky to catch that bus. It was far too slippery outside to walk the entire distance to County. I like to think we were destined to be on that bus, because we gave up our seats to a couple of old ladies who told us what a nice looking couple we were. We were, in fact, not a couple at all. But there was something about the way she blushed that I couldn't get out of my mind all day. So at he end off the day, when we got on the bus again, I asked her if she would maybe consider going out with me some time. And she said yes, though not before she turned awfully pale, covered her mouth with her hand and asked me whether I was kidding. I told her no, no, I was _not_ kidding, I was dead serious. It took her at least 30 seconds of stammering and tiny gasps before she finally spluttered out that yes, of course she'd go.  
Later that day she asked me again, whether I was serious. I rolled my eyes and told her that she knew the answer to that. She smiled that smile of hers, the one that makes me melt, and told me that _of course_ she knew, just like she knew I was not going to pick the restaurant. I would pick something too expensive because I would want to impress her. She knew me too damn well.  
Today I take the bus again, just for old time's sake. This city makes me so nostalgic, it's freaking me out.

_mensen lijken te kijken **(people seem to be looking)  
**__maar ik wil ze ontwijken **(but I want to avoid them)  
**__voordat ze mij zien **(before they see me)**_

Someone calls out to me. It's Molly. I still talk to her sometimes, usually it's quick and then she hands the phone over to Janis. There's not much you can say to a four-year-old, but she's my goddaughter and I feel obligated too call her every once in a while. She's a pretty little thing. I've seen the pictures, but now that I see her walking towards me with her mom she is even prettier. Blond and tiny, wearing a ridiculous amount of pink. I guess that's a girl thing.  
I once told her that no daughter of mine would be wearing pink all the time, she laughed in my face and announced that she would be the one deciding that. I looked at her in shock and asked her how she knew she'd be the mother of my daughter, she didn't know what to respond to that and retired to staring at the hopeless singers on _American Idol _making a fool of themselves. That was the moment I knew she really felt something for me, that she really saw a future with me. It scared me, I have to admit it, but it also made me smile.  
Molly smacks my arm and tells me off for not telling her I was coming back. Where was I staying? At a hotel. Why didn't I call to ask if I could stay with her and Kyle? I didn't want to be a burden. Janis just stands there looking in awe, like she never thought the man on the pictures and behind the voice on the phone was actually standing in front of her.  
There's something about her innocence that scares me. She sees me as a hero of sorts, I can tell by the way she talks to me on the phone and by how she looks at me. To her I am _uncle Ray_, the cool guy who sends her presents on her birthday and saved people the day she was born, the one who made sure she got to the right hospital. She's never seen me lost. And it scares me that there is still someone like that. This little girl expects so much from me. She's just like her, I never thought I'd ever meet someone like that again.  
I tell them I really need to go, but I'll come by tomorrow. Molly nods sadly, because she knows, she knows where I'm going and what I'm looking for. I can't tell whether she's disappointed in me for still being so hung up on my ex or proud of me for looking for a chance at happiness. I say good bye and run. I run as fast as I can. There are too many memories here, in this place and in the people I meet. I have to get past it as soon as possible.

_het is al lang verleden tijd **(it was a long time ago)**_

I see her passing me by on the way, well, I think it's her. She was driving a blue shiny car, don't ask me what kind, I don't have much car knowledge of cars. All I know is that it is the exact type of car I always pictured her in: sensible. When I try to picture her now, three years older, I can never get a clear picture. My heart tries to make the picture be like the Neela I knew, the amazing doctor. But my mind tries to tell me that she can't possibly have stayed the same, everybody changes.  
The three years without her have gone by so damn slowly, and somehow, now that I'm so agonizingly close to her, the time is going ever slower and the memories that haunted me in England are clearer.  
I'm beginning to question myself. Maybe I shouldn't have come. Maybe I shouldn't have gone in the first place...

_dat je mijn verjaardag niet vergat **(that you didn't forget my birthday)  
**__je onvoorwaardelijk koos voor mij **(you chose for me unconditionally)**_

She sent me a card on Christmas and on my birthday the year I left. Simple cards, wishing me a merry Christmas and a happy new year. Cards that acted like nothing had happened between us. I threw them out, but fished them out of the garbage moments later. I did the same for her; two simple cards, two deep hurtful meanings behind them. I secretly wished she'd cry when she saw them, but scolded myself for thinking like that. I was –and am– full of mixed feelings, on the one hand I wanted to hate her for leaving me, on the other hand I knew she had been getting mixed signals. But she'd told me that she loved me and that had to count for something. I'd told her that I loved her only once, about a week before she left. I meant it with all my heart, but I could see the doubt in her eyes. At the time I thought I was imagining it, she wasn't having doubts about our love. She was the only one for me and I was the only one for her. At least…that's what I thought, that's what I hoped. But we can't get everything we want. Right?_

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REVIEW! You know you want to..._


	2. Chapter 2

**Title:** Onderweg (2 of 4)  
**Author:** Leven  
**Rating:** FRT, some swearing but not much else, maybe more in later chapters  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Ray, Neela or ER in general. They belong to NBC and all the other people who have something thing to do with this show. Song belongs to Abel  
**Spoilers:** N/A  
**Summary:** She left him a long time ago. The only thing he needs from her now is closure.

A/N: Verse 2, sucky translation # 2. I am never translating a Dutch song into English again.

* * *

**Chapter 2**

_ik zie de velden **(I see the fields)**_

I start walking slowly now. I never ran in London, it was unnecessary and I've noticed I'm out of breath a lot quicker than I was when I worked in chicago. I worked as a pediatrician in a small hospital in one of the quietest parts of the city. Not exactly where I imagined to end up. It was nice there, I made some good friends and some less good friends. We weren't as close as the staff at County, but we cared about each other enough to get upset if one of us were to get hit by a bus. Not that that happened, though there were people there who I'd gladly have pushed under a bus.  
I met some great kids in that hospital. Somehow British kids seemed much nicer and well-behaved than the American brats I'd come across before. But maybe I was biased, maybe it was only because the life of a simple pediatrician is less hectic than that of an ER doctor.  
It still wasn't for me, really. I've always been okay with kids, maybe it's my immaturity. Probably. But I loved the ER. I loved the thrill and the knowledge that you _didn't _know what would happen next. Here it was appointments and scheduals. I didn't have a band there either, to take my mind off things. I played my guitar sometimes, to unwind. Sometimes I went to the gym, just so I didn't become a complete slob.  
But all I was, if you look at it, was half of who I was before. That's what she'd reduced me to.

_langs me heen gaan huizen **(houses pass me by)  
**__het is stil achter de ruiten **(it's quiet behind the windows)**  
wie kan mij zien?** (who can see me?)**_

I'm a couple of blocks away from our appartement. Suddenly I realize that I walked here all the way from the trainstation. Okay, so I took the bus too and I stopped a couple of times on the way, but I doubt I've ever walked this much in one day. Not even at the gym. I grin at my accomplishment and mentally pat myself on the back. It's eerily quiet on the streets today, while it's not even that late in the day yet. I check my watch. Okay. So maybe it is. Everyone's at work now. If it were this time in London and I were there I would probably be working too. But I'm not, I'm here. And I'm still trying to convince myself that this is where I should be.  
Without really thinking about it I stop right infront of my appartment building. It looks exactly the same. Like the only thing that's gotten older after these three years is me. Suddenly it starts to rain. I chuckle. Typical. That's one thing that London has too. Rain. Lots and lots of _rain_. I look around for a place to hide, but this street is not the best place to go for shelter. Terrific. Just terrific.  
Some rude old man bumps into me and growls something can't quite make out. I raise my eyebrow and resist sticking out my tongue. The man waives at me with his cane and calls me 'one of those damn no good rock hooligans' which causes me to start laughing uncontrolably. He mumbles something about drugs and hookers before he spits on the sidewalk and scurries away as fast as his old legs can take him. I roll my eyes at him. Old people these days have no manners.  
I notice a piece of paper on the window of my appartment. I really should stop calling it mine, shouldn't I? I try to make out what it says…

_FOR RENT_

You've got to be fucking kidding me. A_ sign_, my mother would say_. Your old appartment is for rent…maybe you should go take a look._ But I've never really believed in signs. I squint my eyes and try to make out the number on the paper. Yeah. That's not working. I sigh in defeat. Later. There'll be time for this later. Right now I have to keep walking._  
_

_in blauwverlichte treinen **(in blue lit trains)  
**__je hart is zo dichtbij me **(your heart is so close to me)  
**__maar het klopt niet **(but it doesn't beat)**  
_

We danced around each other for a year. Reaching out but never touching. We weren't exaclty oblivious, I guess, but to say we were fully aware of the other's feelings would be lying. We had a long conversation about it once. About what complete and utter morons we were for not acting on our feelings sooner. _I thought you liked taking chances, Barnett?_ She had said. I gave her my trademark smirk and replied that yes, I did, but not in love. Because that little thing called love can do a lot more damage than skydiving. Trust me.  
We danced and we moved around and we eventually had to give in to what was there. Destiny, my mother claimed, everything is meant to be. Sure, mom, whatever you want to believe.

_het is al lang verleden tijd **(it was a long time ago)  
**__je zwarte haren en je lach **(your black hair and your laugh)  
**__dat je heel de wereld voor mij was **(that you were the entire world to me)**  
_

I never thought of myself as one of those guys who falls in love and then spends the rest of his life comparing every girl he meets to that _one girl_ who stole his heart. But I turned into one of those people in 2 seconds flat. There was a nurse at the hospital where I worked. Gorgeous girl. Legs that went on for miles, blonde hair, million dollar smile…They didn't have nurses like that at County. So, eventually month # two of being _Ray the bloody brilliant pediatrician _– did I mention it was very quiet there and the nurses had nothing better to do than make up idiotic nicknames? – came around and I decided to ask her out. It had been months since me and Neela, so I figured it was time to move on. Or at least _try_ to move on, you know? Anyway, she said yes, tossed her hair – she did that a lot – and told me to call her. Very handy, considering I didn't have her number. Notice how I'd fallen back into ditz-mode rather quickly? Bret would've been proud.  
We went on our date two days later. We went to this greek restaurant that another nurse had been raving about all week. We were lucky we didn't end up with food poisoning. Later, after that disasterous evening, she told me that I'd seemed distracted. I was. I was **very** distracted.  
All night I waited anxiously for our orders to arrive, so that maybe we could talk about something other than the latest fasion and that new _Natasha Bedingfield_ song – I tried to explain to her that I don't listen to that kind of music, but she seemed to have very selective hearing – like we did between courses. I think she mentioned something about me not being able to stop staring at her to the other nurses. It was true. I stared at her continuously through out that dinner.  
Every second that I looked at her I worked towards the conclusion I found at the end of the evening. _Neela would hate her._ Which meant this would never work. If I could spend an entire evening going over all the way this woman was different from her, if I could go over all the things I would have talked about with Neela during this dinner, if I could predict _everything_ she was going to say and hate it all…then this…this _thing_ I was pretending to have come to terms with was not over. No matter how much I wished it was.  
My nickname changed to _Ray the Heartbreaker_ after that date. Now all the nurses seemed to want to start something with me. It was a very strange reaction. Eyelashes were batted left and right, brownies baked and pearly white teeth flashed like there was no tomorrow. And I didn't have the heart to tell them no to their faces. But they remained persistant. Poor girls. If only they knew that I needed _her_. I needed that soft hair and that cocky smile. And they couldn't give me that.

_het zit nog veel te diep in mij **(it is still far too deep in me)  
**__dat ik mocht delen wat jij had **(that I could share in what you had)  
**__je door mijn haren ging en zei **(you went through my hair and said)**_

Neela watched an astonishing amount of television. She taped things and watched them after shift. Nobody knew about this, it was her dirty little secret. Eventually it became _our_ dirty little secret, as she started forcing me to watch with her on the days we worked the same hours. We'd spend the night on the couch, her my arms, following the characters of various shows. Okay, so **she** followed. I usually fell asleep. I wasn't very interested in the Camdens or those Gilmore Girls or who got burried alive in an episode directed by some famous person. But not her. She laughed and she let some tears fall too, every once in a while. I loved that side of her and encouraged this so un-Neela-like behaviour. Watching hours of TV in a row made her a lot more human to me, instead of the perfect, gorgeous angel she was before she was now…a perfect, gorgeous angel who watched a lot of television. I loved it.  
Once I asked her why on earth this was a secret? She didn't want to be seen as a slacker, she said. I can honestly say I was shocked by that. A slacker? No, I told her. _I_ was a slacker. Watching a little TV did not make you a slacker. Getting rid of patients as quickly as possible and in that way endangering their lives so you could get to your gig in time, THAT was slacking off. She smacked me and told me I was not a slacker. A little slacker-ish now and then was a description that fit me better. If only she could see me now.  
I've reached the hospital. It's still the same. Big. Boring. I smile, I've missed this place so, so much. I enter the ER hesitantly, afraid of what I'll find. I was afraid for nothing.  
Jerry still stands behind his counter. He's the first real sign of anything changing, you can see he's gotten older. But in regular Jerry fashion he grins at me. He shakes his head and says my name:

_Ray Barnett_

Abby comes in out of nowhere, screams in exitement and flings her arms around me.  
I've come home.

* * *

R. E. V. I. E. W.review.R. E. V. I. E. W. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Title:** Onderweg (3 of 4)  
**Author:** Lven  
**Rating:** FRT, some swearing but not much else, maybe more in later chapters  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Ray, Neela or ER in general. They belong to NBC and all the other people who have something thing to do with this show. Song belongs to Abel  
**Spoilers:** N/A  
**Summary:** She left him a long time ago. The only thing he needs from her now is closure.

A/N: Another verse, another bad translation. This is my fav verse though.

**

* * *

****Chapter 3**

_  
je kent mijn stem niet **(you don't know my voice)**  
wie ik ben is wat je nu ziet **(who I am is what you see now)  
**__wil je dansen met illusies? **(do you want to dance with illusions?)**_

Once, on her birthday, I sang for her. Now I'm going to be honest with you and say that I never sang for one woman specifically before. Sure I'd focused on a girl our two when I had a gig, but that was mostly for woo-ing purposes. She had been woo-ed by my amazing doctor skills, at least that's what I've always hoped.  
Still, I sang for her with all my heart. It was a bit of an improvisation. In all honesty I can't even tell you what the words were. But she liked it. Oh, how she liked it. She never once claimed I was unromantic after that. I swear I heard Sam ask Luka why _he_ never sang for her. She obviously had never heard him sing.  
I, on the other hand, was the nurses' sweetheart for a week.  
I must have written a billion songs about her. Okay, maybe it were only 7. 3 before and 4 after. Each and every one of them I wrote with my heart. Each and every one of them I meant. She's never seen them.  
They were really good songs too. Maybe a bit melodramatic. Or in Bret's words: _Way too girly.  
_Abby wants to know what I'm doing here and rips me from my thoughts. I give her my cheekest grin but I know my eyes aren't cooperating. Her smile fades. I know what she's going to say and she does:

_Oh, Ray.  
_Oh, Ray.  
Fuck this.  
hat am I doing here?

I look away and swiftly change the subject. How is everyone? I'm actually genuinly interested. At this point Abby starts blabbing away.

_Pratt. _Still a bit grouchy, but he's gotten soft. Heh.  
_Morris._ Morris and _Jane_? Did they lose a bet or something?  
_Susan._ Susan left last year. She moved to Maryland. Oh.  
_Luka._ He's still Luka.  
_And Sam…_

Sam comes waggling in. Literally. She's pregnant. She hugs me and starts crying. _Hormones_, she says. Well, obviously. She tells me she's having a girl and I can't help but smile. It's nice to see _someone_ happy like this. And then, like she's reading my mind her teary smile falters.

_Neela isn't here.  
_Who says I was looking for her?  
_Don't lie.  
_Fine.

Jerry hands me a note. Her address.  
_Go see her_, he says. So I go.

_in gedachten **(in thoughts)  
**__ben je verder dan het heden **(you are further then the present)**  
_

I never really planned anything other than a gig or two. But one night I found myself lying next to her and I saw it all. Like one of those timelines they make you memorize in history class. I saw my proposal. I saw our wedding. Heh, I definitely saw our wedding _night_. And I saw the kids. A boy and a girl. A perfect little girl. Just like her. I saw us growing old together. I saw every little detail.  
I was an idiot wasn't I? You're not supposed to think things like that about a girl you've only known you loved for 2 weeks. Or maybe that's how you know you love her.

I leave the ER, though not after assuring Abby that I'll ccome by again tomorrow. Neela's appartment isn't far away. Another distance I can easily walk, it doesn't matter, I've been walking all day.  
The streets are still empty, as if the people are waiting for me and my misery to leave before it's safe to go outside. I wonder what she looks like now. Is her hair longer? Does she still wear the necklace I bought her for Christmas sometimes? I wonder if she still acts the same. If she still yells at everyone after she's had a bad day, or if she still takes 30-minute showers. I hope she hasn't changed. I doubt I could deal.

_wil je terug naar je verleden? **(do you want to go back to your past?)  
**__zegt je dat iets? **(does that say anything to you?)**_

I wonder if her leaving me was something she'd been planning. If somewhere in the back of her mind she was thinking:

'_Hmmm. That Ray, he's cute and all, but maybe it's time for me to move on. I'll go pick someone who's not a wannabe rockstar. Oh, lets not forget to write him a note.'_

I'm pretty sure she was not thinking that though. My Neela's not like that…but hey, what do I know right? For all I know she was leading a double life. Beyond the late-night TV. For all I know she was an exotic dancer or maybe she ran a _I Love Lucy_ website or something. I wasn't around her 24/7, I don't know what she did when I was away.

And I'm not supposed to care. So I'm going to pretend I don't. My friends will all tell you I'm not a very good liar._  
_

_het is al lang verleden tijd **(it was a long time ago)  
**__rode wijn op het terras **(red wine on the terrace)  
**__dat je heel de wereld voor mij was **(that you were the entire world to me)**_

Drunk Neela was a rarity. I must have taken her to at least a dozen parties. She usually sat there sober, yet having a good time. She loved hanging around with Molly, who often came along when she could find someone to babysit Janis. Molly's never been much of a drinker either.  
But the two of them drunk? Oh, I'll never forget that. This only happened twice though. Both times they ended hilariously.

_Dancing on tables.  
__Singing Lady Marmelade.  
__Killer Cocktails.  
__Great sex._

Yes, drunk Neela was definitely a good thing.  
But sober Neela was even more fun at times. Sober Neela was _my_ Neela. Sarcastic, cynical, _dr. Rasgotra_ Neela. The one who insulted every girl who came near me. The one who cared.

I'm get nostalgic again._  
_

_het zit nog veel te diep in mij **(it is still far too deep in me)  
**__dat ik vergat hoe jij me zag **(that I forgot how you saw me)  
**__dat ik zo anders ben dan jij **(that I'm so different than you)**_

She thought she was going to regret moving in with me. She was. Come on, if you really think about it I wasn't exactly the best match. Not that I'm ever regretting that I did ask her. I would probably have never known what love is if it wasn't for her. But then again, I could have spared myself a lot of grief.  
Her building looks amazing. Even from the outside. Compared to this big shiny thing our old building was an african village. The inside is the same. Modern. Shiny. Clean. Very Neela. She lives at number 23A. I decide to take the stairs. This walking thing is beginning to be very relaxing. I get to her door and stare at it for a minute or two. I close my eyes and ring the doorbell.

The door opens and…oh God…she's still gorgeous.  
Messy hair.  
Mouth wide open.  
Not a spat of make-up.  
_Gorgeous._

* * *

_Preview for Chapter 4:_

Suddenly I burst.

_**HOW COULD YOU?**_

She was scared.  
Oh, _she_ was scared.

So I ask her the most obvious question. Why the fuck didn't she bother to tell me?

Because she saw me.  
With who?  
_That blonde girl._ Oh, way to be cryptic Neela.

* * *

REVIEW! Please? 


	4. Chapter 4

**Title:** Onderweg (4 of 4)  
**Author:** Leven  
**Rating:** FRT, some swearing but not much else, maybe more in later chapters  
**Disclaimer:** I don't own Ray, Neela or ER in general. They belong to NBC and all the other people who have something thing to do with this show. Song belongs to Abel  
**Spoilers:** N/A  
**Summary:** She left him a long time ago. The only thing he needs from her now is closure.

A/N: TADA! Finished!

* * *

**Chapter 4**

_  
ik loop de straat in **(I enter the street)**  
_

I always thought she was amazing. Even the first time I saw her – which was less than a minute – I knew this girl was something special. She had a certain glow about her, a certain...something I don't think I'll ever be able to explain. It wasn't that I thought she was gorgeous, that came later, no…it was that look in her eyes. That mildly interested look mixed with a little annoyance, like I just interrupted her conversation. I never met anyone who could look at me like that, except my mother. I knew they would like each other. Isn't that a stupid thing to think about someone you never even really talked to?  
I loved looking at her, touching her, taking to her and I looked forward to doing it again. I really did. But now she's sitting here, right in front of me. In her nicely furnished living room. With a mildly terrified look on her face. All I want to do now is make a run for it.  
Her wall is full of pictures. Pictures of Abby and all the other people in the ER. Pictures of her parents and her sisters. She has great sisters. Geeta, Asha and Nirmala are all very lovely women. Full of life. Three other women just like her. I actually ran into Geeta once, in London. She was very warm and friendly, like Neela hadn't told her we weren't together anymore. But she knew. She had that pity look in her eyes, when she thought I wasn't paying attention.  
Neela's brothers didn't really like me much, I think. The one time I met Ajeet and Sanjay they kept looking at me like they were going to lynch me the moment we were alone. And then Neela gave them that look she always gave me and they'd stop for a few seconds. But the look always came back. The Rasgotra's all had a look of some kind.

Her dad, _Arjay_, somehow looked disappointed, yet pleased at the same time.  
Her mom, _Cherita_, just looked happy her daughter was in love.  
_Geeta_ looked at me with great interest, like she wanted to figure me out.  
_Asha _looked glad she wasn't the only one her parents could be disappointed in anymore. With her being a lesbian and all.  
_Nirmala_ looked amused, like she wanted to see how long I would last with two pissed off brothers following my every move.  
Her brothers looked like they knew how not to leave tracks.

I sigh at the memory and look away. She looks at the floor and bites her lip in that way she always does when she's nervous. She asks if I want something to eat. I nod, suddenly noticing how hungry I really am. She's on her feet and in the kitchen before I know it. This is going to be a long night.

_maar het zal me nooit verwarmen **(but it wil never warm me)  
**__omdat het mij niet kan omarmen **(because it cannot embrace me)**  
_

She comes back in with a plate of food. _Roti_. She made that for me once before. I loved it. She's a great cook, really. She says it's her mother's influence. Mrs. Rasgotra expected all four of her girls to know how to cook. She looks more nervous than I thought she would be. She bites her lip and sighs.

I should be sitting at the table.  
Of course. I move.

The dinner table is very clean. Like she hardly ever sits there. But I know that's not true. She's too proper and well raised for that. She sits on the other side of the table, facing me again. Still she won't really look at me.  
I start eating, with my hands of course. The way she taught me.

_You can only eat Roti with you hands, Ray.  
_She looks pleased that I remembered.

She squints her eyes and asks whether I've been eating.  
I lie and tell her that I have. When in fact I've hardly been eating at all, for the past two months.  
_I look too skinny.  
_I do, I really do. But still I lie to her and tell her I've been eating fine.  
Just to prove it I eat as fast and as much as I can.

_wie zou mij zien? **(who would see me?)**  
_

I ask her how she's been. She seems to brighten up a bit and smiles. Thank God. I was beginning to think I'd never see that smile again. The pictures don't do it justice. Because even this nervous smile makes me want to kiss her over and over and over.

_Great_, she says.  
The ER's been hectic, but she loves it there.  
_Have I been yet?  
_Yep. I got a grand welcome.  
_Of course I did._ She seems to have forgotten all her nervousness. _They all missed me.  
_With a braveness I don't remember having before I ask if she missed me too.  
She looks away and doesn't answer.

I'm an idiot.

_het liefst zou ik willen schreeuwen **(I would prefer to be shouting)  
**__ik zou oneindig willen schreeuwen **(I'd like to shout forever)**  
_

After nearly 30 minutes of sitting here in awkward silence she finally asks.

_Why am I here?  
_So I tell her: I just wanted closure.  
_After three years?  
_Well, yeah.  
_Why'd I leave?  
_I resist the urge to scoff at her.  
Isn't it obvious?  
Oh, _I didn't have to leave? _Whatever.

I'm starting to get angry. It wasn't supposed to happen like this. We weren't supposed to fight. I try to remain calm and ask her:

Why did _she_ leave?  
She looks away.  
I want an answer, Neela. I want one now.  
So she tells me. With closed eyes

She thought she was pregnant. _She thought she was pregnant. _She thought she was having my child and she left me.

I don't get this. I don't want to get this. Oh God, she's crying. She's crying and I'm getting more and more upset.

We weren't ready for it, she whispers.  
I wasn't supposed to know. Not this. Not this way.  
Did she hate me this much?  
No, she says.  
_No  
__**No  
**__**No  
**_That's why she didn't want me to know this.

But it doesn't help. This is more than I expected. Much more.

_maar het gaat niet **(but I can't)  
**__jij bent nu alleen van mij **(you're only mine now)**  
_

Suddenly I burst.

_**HOW COULD YOU?**_

She was scared.  
Oh, _she_ was scared.

So I ask her the most obvious question. Why the fuck didn't she bother to tell me?  
Because she saw me.  
With who?  
_That blonde girl._ Oh, way to be cryptic Neela.  
She saw us hugging, she screams through her cries. She saw us hugging and laughing!  
Suddenly it dawns on me.

_Kelly._ She saw me with Kelly.  
My _cousin_ Kelly. The one who was in town for a day. Didn't I tell her?  
_No.  
_She sniffs and hisses at me. How was she supposed to know?

Words, Neela. Form questions with them!  
She sinks into the couch and suddenly she seems so small. I realize I don't want to see her like this.  
I reach out but she waves my hand away.

She was just so_ afraid_, she mumbles, so soft I can barely hear her.  
She was so afraid I'd leave her and that I'd reject the baby that she…  
_Panicked?_ I finish for her.  
She sobs and nods.

I reach out again and this time she takes my hand, so I pull her towards me.  
She looks at me with big eyes and whispers:

_I'm so sorry._

_ik kan de wereld laten zien **(I can show the world)  
**__dat het zo beter is misschien **(that maybe it's better this way)**  
_

Before I know it my lips are on hers. And, oh, her lips are still the same. Soft. And so perfect. I kiss away her tears.

Don't cry, I tell her.  
_Ray…  
_It's okay. I try to be firm.  
_RAY!_

I look at her. She's breathing hard. She shakes her head. Not now.  
**Why?  
**It's too fast. She looks torn.  
I stroke her cheek. Soft.  
_It's not too fast. It took us too long to get here as it is._

Then she giggles. _Giggles_. Which makes me smile and she pulls me towards her bedroom.

_het is al lang verleden tijd** (it was a long time ago)  
**__dat ik vergat hoe jij me zag **(that I forgot how you saw me)  
**__dat ik zo anders ben dan jij **(that I'm so different than you)**_

I instantly smell Neela all over this room. It smells like strawberry shampoo and soap.  
Her bed is big, covered in pillows and a soft pink comforter. I pull her to me and kiss her neck.

_I missed this, _I tell her. She just nods and mumbles something incoherent.

There are more pictures here. Of her family. Sam. And Abby. And Chuny. Everyone.  
And then I see it. On her nightstand. A picture of me. A picture of us.

Tears stand in her eyes. And in mine. I kiss her again and we fall on the bed. Finally.

We'll finish this talk in the morning, I'm sure.

**-FIN-**

* * *

**REVIEW!**


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